Published February 10, 2007
delete me
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
At points in this poem, you do have some very strong imagery, but it's too perfect. It's too idyllic and like cadmium said, something needs to happen. Whoever this speaker is needs to develop somehow. Pies and nature are grand things, but in the grand scheme of it all, they are quite meaningless. Just try to put more of yourself and your own observations into this, or the observations that you would imagine the speaker making. It's a good start, but could use some tweaking.
This poem showed me that you are observant and able to describe things in detail. Good job on that. Just try not to write in that childish way, as saoirse said. It was rather like in elementary school when the teachers say, "Write about what you see. Now about what you hear, touch, etc."
This poem certainly achieved creating surroundings, giving the reader something to feel. Excellent work. It simply needs to be presented in a more poetic, less list-like way. Oh, and give it a plot or at least something to be resolved. Describing things, however pretty, will go nowhere. Realize something. Come to the wood and leave it. Do something.
Colleen
Okay. Here we go.
It's childish. It's uninteresting. From the very first line, it made me not want to read it, and I can tell you that once I did, I recognized it most certainly because I've read it a million times before.
What was your purpose in writing this? We all know cookies are good, and that birds chirp and flowers bloom. So, it would be pointless for anyone to read this. You don't present it creatively at all. And let me tell you, you certainly don't have to write like your fifth grade teacher told you to. I would recommend trying to get away from that, and moving onto something different.
I would say use less cliche imagery and more creative metaphors. Like, for the image of trees swaying in the wind:
"The trees are dancing angels,
guardians of the earth,
with arms that bend like wire."
I don't know. Just a suggestion, you know, something to think about. Poetry is more than just describing exactly what you see. It's an art where you can be as creative and imaginative as you want.